I’d like to say it’s strange how a topic can seem to dominate your reality for a short time – that feeling like the universe is trying to “tell” you something by repeatedly throwing it up in your path. I’d like to say that because then it would absolve me of having to admit that I’m just thinking about it a lot lately. Once I know that I am then I have to start asking why and once the “whys” start it’s like my brain turns into the three year old in the backseat who won’t shut up.
And now you know why I write.
I’m not a particularly social person, but on rare occasions I find myself in an instant rapport with someone. Usually it’s someone smart and funny and for some reason they think I’m smart and funny, too, and we trade social commentary and maybe a hefty amount of snark and I suddenly want to be around them more than I want to be alone. We’ll call this the “honeymoon” period. Of course you know where I’m going with this.
The honeymoon eventually fades – sometimes suddenly, sometimes gradually. It can be the expression of an opinion that seems to come out of left field and makes you question everything you thought you knew about them. It can be a qualification on something you previously thought was unqualified. It can be you suddenly started looking at them like they’re lunch and that really was not where they thought things were headed.
For whatever reason, the rainbows that seemed to arc over your every minute together have turned to a fine mist if not outright rain and you’re not quite so eager to spend all your free time with them. The people that are still around after the honeymoon is over are usually the ones I call friends. So when I say that I don’t make friends easily, you’ll know what I mean is that I don’t tolerate people for extended periods of time easily and if I do, it means something to me.
One of the things I’ve learned in the intervening years between the third grade and now is that nearly everyone I come into contact with has their own individual criteria for determining who will become the friends in their lives, as well. It was somewhat of a shock to learn that I am not, in fact, 100% in charge of every relationship I have, but I’ve learned to adapt.
These are all things I knew at least ambiguously in my head, but the “universe” or the three year old who lives in the back of my head or whatever you want to call it have been pushing it to the fore. Repeatedly. I’ve recently left the honeymoon phase of a couple of relationships that I don’t believe will stand the test of time. One I saw coming, one was a massive disappointment. At the same time, I’ve had other people affirm friendships I hardly knew were there. I don’t like being surprised (that comes standard with the controlling nature), even when it’s good news. I do that thing where my face gets hot and splotchy red and water leaks out of my eyes. At the same time, it’s always frustrating and a little bit painful when the honeymoon is over for the other person before it’s over for me. (I have a bit more experience with this, however. Can I get a whup, whup from all the other socially awkward adolescents in the house?)
I’m going to have a big party in a few months for a milestone that I’m excited to celebrate. I used the apparatus of social media to invite everyone I wanted to see there. I got the most unexpected responses. People I never expected to acknowledge the invitation have expressed keen interest. People I really expected to make the effort won’t be there at all. And that’s not accounting for who actually will or won’t show up on the day of, or the people who aren’t active on social media, or for the people who just aren’t keen on parties. And it occurred to me that this is a microcosm of my life in friendships so far. Disappointment and wonder and a bit of absence. It’s not like being 16 and sitting in the garage with your best friends and knowing – just knowing – that if life is a sinking ship you’re all going down together.
No, it’s arguing with your oldest friend about not having any more beers because you’re tired damn it and you want to go to bed. It’s learning to go to the gym because that’s the only time someone has for you and you’ll take what you can get. It’s realizing that what you thought was smart and funny is really insecure and callous and what does it say about yourself that you didn’t see that right away? It’s realizing that the people who want to be there will be there and those people are your friends, whether you knew it or not. It’s showing up for them, because you want to, not because you have to.
It feels very strange to me that it’s taken me so long to understand that the meaning of friendship changes as much as the friendships themselves. It feels like I should have gotten that memo a while ago. It also feels like I maybe don’t understand it completely. Because I still want my sinking shipmates, I want the comfort of that security – but I’m not on that ship anymore. I’m adrift and so are they, on these currents that may eddy and swirl now and then, but never really join. It’s very lonely knowledge to have.