Shame

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I’m not processing this very well right now, so I apologize in advance for sounding scattered.

This is my face from 20 minutes ago when I read that the government is asking the military to house immigrant detainees. This is my reckoning. 20 years from now when our grandchildren ask (accuse) us when our moment of realization was, I’ll show them this. For me, it’s right now. Right now is the moment I’ll never come back from. For me, right now is when I realized the promise of our nation is irrevocably broken.

I’m not even sure why. I keep seeing my memories of the memorial at Dachau, the bone deep cold I felt there, and the shame. Oh Christ, the shame.

This is our shame, yours and mine. Not in the abstract – not Democrats or Republicans or religious or secular – it’s our personal, individual shame. I have to live with it now. So do you.

I don’t know what to tell you about your moment. I can barely sit here in mine. The slow horror build up of the last several weeks – months – did nothing to prepare me. I’m shaking. I’m crying. I’m dying in my soul. We let this happen. We cried and we raved and we fucking posted on facebook and WE LET THIS HAPPEN. The kindest thing history will say about me was that I cried. I’m so disgusted I will throw up and it won’t come close to what I deserve. You, too.

When I can open my mouth without screaming, I’ll call my representatives. I’ll call and I’ll call and I’ll add it to the useless emails and the useless shame and I’ll die some more and it will all pile up on the trash heap that is the state of our government and clearly, our citizens.

This is my reckoning, my owning of the shame. Where’s yours?

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