New city, new house, new job – who dis?
This is not where I’m settling down. I feel obligated to say that at the outset because I’ve come to recognize the importance of identifying way-stations in life. Permanence is an illusion. The lifestyle I have now is not the one I want forever, and the home I have now will not suit me in the future.
That being said, it’s a pretty sweet pad.
As it turns out, I’m most comfortable in the middle class, suburban environments in which I was raised. An 80’s latchkey kid, I find a great deal of contentment in uniform streets of cookie-cutter houses, with fenced yards and kids running around after school. I greatly appreciate living 2 miles from the fancy grocery store with the olive bar, and the fact that there are a Lowe’s and Home Depot within five minutes of my house bothers me not at all.
Basic af, I know. Not sorry about it even a little bit.
My life has veered from shit storm to stress ball without relief since 2015. So as I sit here in my central air-conditioned, split-level, 3 bedroom, 2.5 bath suburban cookie-cutter house, laundry running downstairs in the entire room dedicated to laundry and the dishwasher happily chugging away in the kitchen, my full time with benefits and bonuses job waiting for me on Monday morning, I don’t give a single solitary fuck how “basic” my life seems. Comparatively speaking, “basic” feels real damn good right now.
I find it difficult to explain what accomplishing your goals feels like. Each line item on my list, confidently struck through by my persistence, represented its own manuscript of stress and worry and depression and fear. I’d get through one and feel giddy like Christmas morning, then freak out wondering what ill wind was going to blow another shit storm into my life. Finding a house and getting moved was the last thing on my list and after accomplishing that a week ago, I started compulsively looking over my shoulder for that feeling of impending doom that’s been my constant companion for the last 4 years and my intermittent companion for most of my life. Wondering what I was forgetting or failing to do that was going to knock me down a peg. And then I remembered – no, this feeling of accomplishment and peace is what I earned for having survived and improved over the last 4 years. Doom can fuck right off for the time being, thankyouverymuch.
My dogs are living their best life after running and playing in our spacious, flat, fenced yard. My roommate is my favorite person on the planet. My job is 4 minutes from my house. Is it exactly where I want to be? Not really, and even that is kind of perfect in its own way because it gives me something else to strive for and look forward to. But this feeling of looking back and seeing only my past, instead of a grasping disaster ready to wreck my life? Yeah, that’s pretty spectacular and I’m just going to sit here and stew in it for a while, let my fingers get all pruney. I’m confident that when I’m ready to pull the plug and move on to the next thing, it’ll be on my own terms.